California or Bust!!!!

I've been reading many useful articles about making the move to California. My first idea was to get a job here in MI and save up for a couple years and start looking for a job in the meantime then still working at my current job.

Then today another idea sparked and I was thinking maybe I should just quit my job and move out there with minimum things and continue to look for a job since it's a lot easier to get a job in a state where you are currently live. I'm willing to do that in hopes of finding a job with in months of my move.

I hope I can save enough to live off of until I am able to get a job and also I hope the job market will be better by the time I want to move.

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Small Changes are happening

I actually wanted to go workout today. It felt good. I was reading something I had written down years ago on healthy tips. It said that exercise can help you clear your mind well that is a plus for me cause I am thinking clearer.

I got a lot of stuff done and organized that weren't really important it was just stuff that I have been putting off and wanted to do and that I still have a lot more to do. I feel accomplished the more I get done the better.

It feels good to start seeing changes even though their little it will bring big changes in the future.



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Feelings are getting in the way

Deep down inside I want to do what want to do. I feel that my feelings for Tom are getting in the way of me changing my mind of moving to California.

When those feelings get in the way I remind myself about what he had said in the past.

I also keep reminding myself about all of the things that bother me about him. There are a lot but here a few.....
1. Selfish
2. Rude
3. Doesn't know what he wants

It pisses me off when he does the things he does. I'm not happy with our friendship.


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Going after what I want

I just spent some time with Tom. I can't deny the fact that I still like him and have feelings for him. When I am with him he kinda flirts with me. I can't do this anymore. Every time I push back it seems that he is doing to opposite.

I just gotta keep my mind focused and go after what I really want.

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Feeling Positive!

I feel positive that this is the year that I will be getting a job and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am hopping and praying that I get a job soon so that I am able to start saving money for my move to California.

I am so freaking inpatient and I want to start to see my life turn out the way I want it. I know that things happen for a reason and good things take time but I am so sick and tired of waiting I just want to start seeing.

I need to move out of my parents house, out of Michigan to have my own life and to live a privet life.



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It's my life don't you forget

There is something that I'm afraid that will get in my way of moving out to California but I'm keeping in mind that it is my life and I make the decisions. No one is going to stop me from doing what I want to do.

The one thing that is getting in the way is Tom. I keep thinking that he will somehow he's going to change my mind. But I gotta remember those 3 things he had said to me in the past. The first thing was that straight out I wasn't his type. The next thing was when I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he said that going to the movies was like going on a date. The last thing was when I had my arm on the arm rest and he said why do you have your arm there it's not like were a couple.

I'm remembering that every time I have my doubts. I think that I still have feelings for him that its hard to let go and I'm still hoping that he'll tell me he likes me. So after I've given it a lot of thought and I said in my last few posts that I'm not waiting anymore for anyone. I'm making things happen in my life and not gonna wait anymore cause all that will lead to is me holding back on my dreams and being unhappy.

I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to start my new life. I can vision what my life will be living my life on my own. It's gonna be scary at first but I know that once I am used to my new lifestyle it won't be scary anymore.


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Finally start to see the light.

By living by others will make your live miserable. I know this by experience. I have been waiting to see if Tom would really tell me he likes me. I know that isn't gonna happen cause it would of happened by now and all it was doing was making me miserable and setting my life back and it kept me from doing what I really wanted and that is moving to California. That is what I want out of my life. For once I'm happy and I have made up my mind and in the end it's what I want.

In the past I also was trying to make others happy and that was getting my life no where. So I found out it that in order to live my life the way I want it I have to stop pleasing others and start pleasing myself. I have to start being selfish for once really start making my own decisions.

I've been obsessed with anything California. I've been California Dreamin ever since I have made up my mind on what I want to do that will make me happy and that is living my life for me and not for anyone else. I have truly happiness deep inside me and I am loving it!

California Soul

There is a song that I love listening to that when I do it goes deep within my soul and it touches my heart and that song is called California Soul by Marlana Shaw. I love the remix that was played on the Lincoln Lawyer soundtrack.

There is also a song I just recently found that also takes me back to Cali. That song is called Los Angelus by Sugar Cult.


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Off to a great start

Well today was weigh in day. I got on the scale and lost 4 lbs in less than a month. Wow! I hoe I keep it up.

As for this week I had a bad week. I hardly worked out but next week is a new week and I'll be back on track. When I
don't go to the gym I feel bad but I'm not gonna let that stop me. I'm still working on my excuses and my I don't feel like going to the gym mood. When I don't feel like going I make excuses and I don't go.

I am so obsessed with moving to California. I can't stop thinking about it. I research stuff on moving there and watch YouTube videos on anything I can find on California. California is my happy place. When I am down I think about living there and it always puts a smile on my face. I hope and pray that I will be able to move there.

I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait and see what things that will come to me. If I want things to happen I gotta make things happen. I gotta live my own life and in order to make me happy I gotta do what want and not make anyone else happy.


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Making things happen

Between last year & this year I have realized so much and things are getting a lot clearer. I know what I want and I'm going after it.

I'm not going to be making people happy anymore cause when I did I ended up not happy and miserable. I am focused on me and making me happy. In order for me to make me happy I need to start pleasing myself and doing what will make me happy. I'm not waiting for things to happen I'm making things happen.


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A year of change

Since this the year of change I'm thinking about becoming either a vegetarian or a vegan to become healthier. I thought about this in the past. If I'm not thinking about finding a job I have to focus on my health. I haven't focused on my health in a long time and I gotta learn all I can about a new lifestyle and slowly start changing my life.

Every time I'm not focused I'm just pushing my dreams and goals aside. I'm one step further to seeing myself happy.

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Update

It's been a long time since I last wrote in here. My life has been a mess. I'm trying to focus and slowly start to organize and work on all my problem spots. Starting with distancing myself from my feelings for Tom. It's going to go back to where I didn't have these feelings.

Today set it off when I hung out with Him. I now see how selfish and rude he is. All he cares about is himself. I'm second thinking our friendship. I'm sick and tired of his selfishness. He doesn't see it. I want to say something but I don't want to start an argument. He has disappointed me many times and when I do it to him he does it right back. He is SO SELFISH to see I'm trying to teach him a lesson. I hope he stays single for the rest of his life.

I have so much anger and disappointment bottled up inside me that needs to be said to him that I kind of take it out on other people. My focus is on finding a job, my health, and planning my future business. My plate is too full to think about love. Even though I'm lonely and want to be in love. I guess that is the story of my life, always being alone. Weather it's lack of friendship to having guys not attracted to me.

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Dream

I had a dream a couple nights ago. I was sitting on a chair and was on my laptop and Tom comes over me and was looking at something and I looked up to talk to him and all of a sudden we kissed. It was a sloppy kiss but when I woke up I had a big smile on my face. I later on that day got to spend the day with him. I kept on thinking about that kiss. I don't know when and where or if it will ever happen. But good things come to those who wait. Well I am sick and tired of waiting. I just want to kiss him.


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3 days in a Row

I am going on my 3rd day of seeing Tom. He stayed last night till 4:00 in the morning. We didn't do anything but watch TV. I feel better things are soon to come. I can't wait till that day until he kisses me. I wish that something would of happened last night but good things come to those who wait. Well I am sick and tired of waiting but I will wait until the time is right.

When he asked me to give him a kiss I didn't know if he was serious or joking. With him I never know if he is playing around or if he isn't.

Right now I'm at his house waiting for him to get ready. I can't wait till I see if anything will happen tonight.


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Venting

I have been thinking about what I am going to say to my mom when it does come the time when do tell her my plans of owning a business. If she says to me why didn't I tell her will simply it's because you never supported me in the past and you were always negative and told me that I wasn't serious. So that is why I kept it to myself and only told a couple people. I am not a child anymore and I am doing what it takes to help myself get to where I want to go. If you support me now that is good and if you don't I found the support I need to help me. By not telling you my plans I wanted to block the negative words that would keep me down. I have done all my research and done all I can to get me started. I want you to know that I am serious about this and it's not just a thought or an idea and I wasn't gonna act on. I know in the past that that has happened but I am a lot older and not that dreamer.

If I want things done I have to do it myself.This is what I am standing by and I prefer it cause it's gonna make me feel better and it's gonna make me feel a lot happier. I am taking matters in my own hands. I gotta watch people and see who I can tell things too and those people who are the ones I can trust to help support me.

A few weeks ago Tom and I got in a fight. After a couple weeks has passed I thought that he would call but he didn't. So decided to take the step to make the first move. I commented on his Facebook page and then that is where it started and he did actually call me but I didn't know until late so we hung out for the first time yesterday. It felt weird but I am glad that everything is back to the way it was. I really really missed him. We went to look at a house for him but it seems that it's like we are looking at them as if we were a couple. I'm not gonna lie in my head I feel that we are a couple. He said that once he finds a house he wants it to be long term and with me I think he sees it as me being his wife and us starting a family. Also I seen a little change in him. He is a little nicer. Maybe that time away from each other made him think like it did for me.


If I did marry him I would be lucky cause he won't ever hit me. He is good with this hands. He likes to work outside that I don't so that I can leave for him and I can take care of the inside. He is also handy and good with cars. There are the negative things but maybe he will change those.

Competiton

I haven't written in here in a while and I thought I would cause I need to get something off my chest. I am a future business owner and I am always up to date on my competition. My ex-bf wife owners her own Bridal Boutique and I look at their Facebook page.They have been in newspapers and recently on Fox 2 news. Now they want to open a second location and they haven't even been open a year. They just opened up in January. I know that business is doing well for them but in my option that is a STUPID thing to do. If it was my business I would just focus on my brides and making sure I bring them the best of merchandise for their wedding. I will be surprised if they do well at their second location. If I were to open a second location I would solely focus on my business and making sure that is successful and I am ready to open up another location.

I am going to be keeping up to date and seeing if they do open up another location and if that location will be successful.

The other side of me

OK, I am not my self right now. I am drunk and I feel good. I wish Tom was here to I can tell him how I feel, It's a lot easier for me to do then when I am sober. That doubt fades away and I am, able to express my feeling opening. Why can't I do that whenI am not under the influence of alcohol.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be
unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know, she's got the car,
the house, the clothes~~~~ might be lonely.
And the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.  Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen, Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies

My dream last night

The last part of my dream was great. I was laying down and Tom came up to me and starting to peck kissing me on the cheek then I rolled over and somehow we started to make out. I woke up happy.I just wish that would of happened in real life.

Here is what dreammoods.com says..... To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment....This dream is also symbolic of young love and fresh romance. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you need to inject some more romance into your waking relationship......If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.