Update

It's been a long time since I last wrote in here. My life has been a mess. I'm trying to focus and slowly start to organize and work on all my problem spots. Starting with distancing myself from my feelings for Tom. It's going to go back to where I didn't have these feelings.

Today set it off when I hung out with Him. I now see how selfish and rude he is. All he cares about is himself. I'm second thinking our friendship. I'm sick and tired of his selfishness. He doesn't see it. I want to say something but I don't want to start an argument. He has disappointed me many times and when I do it to him he does it right back. He is SO SELFISH to see I'm trying to teach him a lesson. I hope he stays single for the rest of his life.

I have so much anger and disappointment bottled up inside me that needs to be said to him that I kind of take it out on other people. My focus is on finding a job, my health, and planning my future business. My plate is too full to think about love. Even though I'm lonely and want to be in love. I guess that is the story of my life, always being alone. Weather it's lack of friendship to having guys not attracted to me.

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Dream

I had a dream a couple nights ago. I was sitting on a chair and was on my laptop and Tom comes over me and was looking at something and I looked up to talk to him and all of a sudden we kissed. It was a sloppy kiss but when I woke up I had a big smile on my face. I later on that day got to spend the day with him. I kept on thinking about that kiss. I don't know when and where or if it will ever happen. But good things come to those who wait. Well I am sick and tired of waiting. I just want to kiss him.


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3 days in a Row

I am going on my 3rd day of seeing Tom. He stayed last night till 4:00 in the morning. We didn't do anything but watch TV. I feel better things are soon to come. I can't wait till that day until he kisses me. I wish that something would of happened last night but good things come to those who wait. Well I am sick and tired of waiting but I will wait until the time is right.

When he asked me to give him a kiss I didn't know if he was serious or joking. With him I never know if he is playing around or if he isn't.

Right now I'm at his house waiting for him to get ready. I can't wait till I see if anything will happen tonight.


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Venting

I have been thinking about what I am going to say to my mom when it does come the time when do tell her my plans of owning a business. If she says to me why didn't I tell her will simply it's because you never supported me in the past and you were always negative and told me that I wasn't serious. So that is why I kept it to myself and only told a couple people. I am not a child anymore and I am doing what it takes to help myself get to where I want to go. If you support me now that is good and if you don't I found the support I need to help me. By not telling you my plans I wanted to block the negative words that would keep me down. I have done all my research and done all I can to get me started. I want you to know that I am serious about this and it's not just a thought or an idea and I wasn't gonna act on. I know in the past that that has happened but I am a lot older and not that dreamer.

If I want things done I have to do it myself.This is what I am standing by and I prefer it cause it's gonna make me feel better and it's gonna make me feel a lot happier. I am taking matters in my own hands. I gotta watch people and see who I can tell things too and those people who are the ones I can trust to help support me.

A few weeks ago Tom and I got in a fight. After a couple weeks has passed I thought that he would call but he didn't. So decided to take the step to make the first move. I commented on his Facebook page and then that is where it started and he did actually call me but I didn't know until late so we hung out for the first time yesterday. It felt weird but I am glad that everything is back to the way it was. I really really missed him. We went to look at a house for him but it seems that it's like we are looking at them as if we were a couple. I'm not gonna lie in my head I feel that we are a couple. He said that once he finds a house he wants it to be long term and with me I think he sees it as me being his wife and us starting a family. Also I seen a little change in him. He is a little nicer. Maybe that time away from each other made him think like it did for me.


If I did marry him I would be lucky cause he won't ever hit me. He is good with this hands. He likes to work outside that I don't so that I can leave for him and I can take care of the inside. He is also handy and good with cars. There are the negative things but maybe he will change those.

Competiton

I haven't written in here in a while and I thought I would cause I need to get something off my chest. I am a future business owner and I am always up to date on my competition. My ex-bf wife owners her own Bridal Boutique and I look at their Facebook page.They have been in newspapers and recently on Fox 2 news. Now they want to open a second location and they haven't even been open a year. They just opened up in January. I know that business is doing well for them but in my option that is a STUPID thing to do. If it was my business I would just focus on my brides and making sure I bring them the best of merchandise for their wedding. I will be surprised if they do well at their second location. If I were to open a second location I would solely focus on my business and making sure that is successful and I am ready to open up another location.

I am going to be keeping up to date and seeing if they do open up another location and if that location will be successful.

The other side of me

OK, I am not my self right now. I am drunk and I feel good. I wish Tom was here to I can tell him how I feel, It's a lot easier for me to do then when I am sober. That doubt fades away and I am, able to express my feeling opening. Why can't I do that whenI am not under the influence of alcohol.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be
unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know, she's got the car,
the house, the clothes~~~~ might be lonely.
And the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.  Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen, Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies

My dream last night

The last part of my dream was great. I was laying down and Tom came up to me and starting to peck kissing me on the cheek then I rolled over and somehow we started to make out. I woke up happy.I just wish that would of happened in real life.

Here is what dreammoods.com says..... To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment....This dream is also symbolic of young love and fresh romance. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you need to inject some more romance into your waking relationship......If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

1 sided Friendship

It pisses me off and it also upsets me that my friendship with Tom is 1 sided. I just got off the phone with him and it proves to me that what ever I want to do with my friends he doesn't want to do, I am ALWAYS doing things with him with his friends but NOT ANY MORE. I need him to see that he is 1 sided. Next time he wants to do something with his friends I will say NO. I need to put my foot down and make him see that I will NOT hang out with him until he shows me that our friendship is 2 sided a 50/50 friendship not a 100% 1 sided friendship. It's all about him and it upsets me that I have feelings for him and this is how he is. I am also questing if I even want him as a boyfriend if that comes down to it.


So tonight I will have fun with my friends and forget about him.I am so sick and tired of his 1 sided SHIT!!!!!

You Are

Baby when I look at you
You know it breaks my heart in two
How beautiful you are
I've seen you in a million dreams
Now you're finally here with me
We will never be apart
I wanna hold you forever
That's all i'll ever need

[Chorus:]
You are my love
You are my life
My heart and soul
The truest friend i've ever known
You are my world
All of my dreams
My fantasy, my reality
I love everything you are
Yes I do

Every time I close my eyes
It hits me so deep inside
How real this feeling is
I'm intoxicated by your touch
It's a sweet, sweet rush
I'm in love with your kiss
You're the one that I trust the most
You changed me

[Chorus:]
You are my love
You are my life
My heart and soul
The truest friend i've ever known
You are my world
All of my dreams
My fantasy, my reality
I love everything you are

[Chorus:]
You are my love
You are my life
My heart and soul
The truest friend i've ever known
You are my world
All of my dreams
My fantasy, my reality
I love everything you are

Everything, I love everything you are
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This song by Jimmy Wayne explains how I feel about Tom. Not only do I love the song's lyrics, I love the music.

I'm falling in love with Tom more every time I hang out with him.

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My doubts

The reason I have the doubts I do is that I have never followed through anything I wanted to do. I just gave up. Also no one believes in me. All I hear are negative comments telling me I can't do it.

That is why I'm so determined into showing everyone that say I can't so it and shocking them. I will feel so better knowing that I didn't quit and I stuck it through.


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