Was Caught

I was working in a new website for my future business and my mom caught me. I was right on how she would react. She said I wanna copy off of my ex's wife. I told her as she walked that I wanted to do this for a long time. It pisses me off that she doesn't think I'm serious. I'll show her when I'm successful that I have her to thank for not believing in me. I'm going to make myself a success without her support even though it's gonna be hard I know where to get help and all I need is to believe in myself. I'm not going to share anything about my progress about my business to anyone who doesn't believe or support me. It'll be just a waste of breath.

I'm gonna apply for a grant and hope I'll be able to get it. I don't want a loan and have to worry about paying it back. Now all I need is a SCORE mentor to help me and figure out how much money I need to start my business.

One more time

I have been thinking about moving to California again. It sounds like a good idea and every time I think about anything that deals with Cali I get happy tears in my eyes. But what is holding me back is of course you know who. TOM. Why I don't know.

He was me kiss me and I want to kiss him but there is something that is stopping me. I think that it's the fact that I need him to confirm his feelings for me and that friendship part is still there and I don't know if he's serious or kidding around just to see what I would say. We need to be on the right page if we are going to take it to the next level.

Too many emotions

There are many emotions running through my head.

To start today Tom and I spent the day together and what really got to me was when he dropped me off and this is how the night ended:

Tom: If you give me a kiss I'll walk you to the door

Me: I'm not giving you a kiss

Tom: Then I'm not walking you to the door.

What does it mean. I don't know it gets me confused. That caught my by suprise.

Then work is so overwhelming. I'm trying to get a failing business back on its feet. But it's too much for me.

I care more then the owners do. I give my advice and they don't take it. I wanna look for another job. I like the fact that I have my nights and weekends off.

I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!

Life can only get better

I spend most of yesterday with Tom and we went to dinner at the casino with Tom's friend Matt and after dinner he said to me you know I do truly love you. If he meant it, it really did melt my heart. I really do love him. Damn I've fallen in love with him. I should of kissed him when the ball dropped. I wanna kiss him. I just wish we knew what our true feelings are for each other. I know that he's focusing on school and getting re-certified as a teacher and I'm focused on working on my mission to helping my moms friend with their business and saving money.

I'm a lot happier with my life now and it can only get better.

Work Agenda

Even though it's not my business I am consistently thinking about my job. How I can improve the business and what needs to get done for the next day. I made an agenda of work that needs to get done and it's a a lot. All I need to do is focus on that agenda and take it one day at a time to check those things off my agenda. I go into work early to get started on things that need to get done on my agenda. I am happy with my job and happy to be helping my moms friend get her business updated. I will be there as long as I need to be and if I can ever find a full-time job.

My moms friend helped me with hiring me and now it is my mission to help promote the business and update it.

Maybe Changes

I was thinking what would happen if I was left the bookstore since my moms friend is older and isn't gonna be able to do it for much longer. I'd like to open my own business but this is my main focus right now.

I was thinking about if I were to get the business. I would do some minor changes like updating the record keeping system, do major cleaning, and start creating a new store layout.

End of the 2nd week

I just finished my 2nd week at IBC and I'm making little progress to making changes. There still is a lot more to do and I've made a list of all the jobs that need to get done to keep the store updated. Here is my list:
-Clean/Organize store
-Make sure to keep website updated
-Make a store operations manual
-Get to know where everything is
-Make store inventory list
-Make website inventory list

And there is probably still more I haven't thought about. I'm am always thinking about my job. I'm on a mission to get more customers and see things sell. We had some purchases this week so that is a good sign things are being sold and off the shelf.

Venting

I have been very frustrated at my the place I am getting help with finding a job. I find a job and they don't consider that a real job huh that pisses me off. Here is part of the e-mail that was much needed to be sent. (I know that you don't look at this as employment but it is. I am doing a job and I am getting paid. I enjoy what I do. I work 5 days a week I go in early and leave when they close. I am going in on Saturday on my free time to help out. I am not only working and doing office work. I am organizing their store and cleaning it. I am working hard on focusing on one thing at a time and that is helping their business succeed. It isn't doing so good so in addition I am helping to promote them and help get them more business. I am giving them my retail knowledge since they don't know much. This is just for now and that is all I am focusing on. This isn't just a place I work at. I truly care about my moms friends business and I am lucky that she hired me cause it's so hard to find a job. I will give you an update in a month.)

It felt so good and I'm relived that I found the words to tell her screw you in that nice way. Weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am loving it.

Blocking out the negative

My mom is so negative. She didn't think that I could do the job for her friend. But what she doesn't know is that I want to open my own business. She doesn't know what I know. Her being negative is keeping me from telling her that I will be opening my own business in the near future.

My Passion

One of my favorite quotes is a quote from Rachael Ray. She said a few years ago on her show "You can't turn it off" she was talking about her passion for cooking. This also goes for what ever you're interested in as a career.

I found my passion and it feels good to know I can stop searching. I'm keeping my head up high and reaching for the stars and I'm not stoping. I'm gonna keep on improving my life.

I am happy to have found a temporary job that can help prepare me for being a business owner. I'm experimenting first hand the struggles of a business and I'm happy to help out with whatever I can and to help build up the business again.

I actually love going to work even though the store is open for 5 hours and I'm not getting paid that much but all that matters is that I love what I do and it's helping out someone I've known for a long time and I'm getting the experience I need before I start my own business.

Dream: Another Casino Dream

I've had many dreams about going to the casino and winning money. (If only I could win money in real life) any ways, back to my dream I just went to a slot machine and I put in $20 dollars and I hit the max bet and won $2000 then I woke up.

(Here is what the dream means: To see or win money in your dream indicates that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money represents confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is a common symbol for sexuality and power.)

I hope this is a new start of my way to success and that Tom and my feeling will meet and we can start a relationship.

This Week

What I thought was a week of helping my moms friend out. It's sounding like a permeant job position. I guess that I'm a new employee of hers and my job title is Social Networking Administrator which is I am in charge of updating the stores website, Facebook, Twitter, and now blog.

This is a job that I enjoy. It's gonna help prepare me in my future business while I help another business out. I hope to learn some new things while I am there. I'm just hoping I can help bring in new customers into her store.

This is my passion and I'm gonna help my moms friend as best as I can. This is a step in a better direction in my life and I've got a smile on my face and a great feeling my life is starting to change.

First day of volunteering

This week I'm gonna be helping out my moms friend by working at her bookstore. She is in desperate need of help. Since I want to open up my own business I feel that I can use the experience and at the same time help out my moms friend.

When I came home I felt so happy. I really don't mind the retail part. My business is part if the retail industry so I'm hoping to gain whatever experience I can and in hopes to get a job with her so I can start saving the money. I did enjoy what I did today and I hope I can continue.

Update

I haven't wrote in a while. I just got a new iPhone today. It's not the recent one. It's a 4G. It's a upgrade from my 3G. It's a lot faster and I can do so much with it.

It's Back

Yes I am in that feeling again. It never left it only hid from my heart. I'm in love again.

I was hanging with Tom today and he was making me laugh as usual but it's what he had said got me thinking. He said if I was you're husband & you were my wife. He has never said that to me before. It got me thinking.

He still rubs my leg and plays footsie with me. We both need a serious talk about our feelings and see where we both want to go. If our feelings are mutual and if we want to go to that next step. I know for me is that I need to know his feels and making sure they are the same as mine then I'm ready to take that next step. It's killing me inside to hide these feelings and not know how he really feels.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Favorite Sandwich

I made the most delicious sandwich. Here is my favorite....I call it the Kiki's Special.

You will need:

• Your favorite bread
• Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese or Vegan Cream Cheese
• Cucumber
• Dill
• Alfalfa Sprouts

I start toasting the bread. (I used Private Selection Flax and Fiber bread)
I peel and cut a Organic English Cucumber
When the brad is done I spread cream cheese on each side
Sprinkle Dill on each side ( I love how the dill smells)
Lay your cucumbers on one side (you can add salt on the cucumber if you like)
Lay your Alfalfa  Sprouts (optional) you can leave it out if you don't like them.
Cut & Enjoy

What matters most

Something was bothering and keeping me from my decision to move to California and that is my feelings for Tom are still there and I can't stop it.

I hung out with him today and it was the same ole same ole thing. He played footsie with me and it seemed like he was flirting. But I'm not gonna fall deep and let my wall down until I am totally sure that his feeling are the same as mine.

I just know what he wants. I am too much of a chicken to tell him how I really feel. I have a lot of feels locked up inside of me. Feelings of anger and confusion. It's hard to tell my feelings out loud. Especially to Tom. When our friendship us a 1 way street.

I am gonna play hard to get if he really does like me. It's not gonna be easy. Even though I have strong feelings for him and I already have fallen in love with him.

He has asked me to look at houses with him so that I can give my option from a woman's point of view and now we went to look at cars and he wants my option on that.

When we were taking about houses I told him he wants a house big enough for him and he said maybe 2. I don't know what he was getting at but I shouldn't let my wall down but my guard will always be up around my heart until I am able to know that Tom really likes me more than a friend thenI cam fully let down my guard and tell my real feelings for him. I don't know if that day will ever come. In the past I've waited and that day never came so I've wasted so much time at that when I could of focused on other things. I've put my focus on something else and that is what really matters is me, myself, and I. My career and my health.

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Finally I'm learning to fly

I have always been someone who would want to do something and wait for it to get done then in the end I don't do anything about it. If I want something done I have to do it myself and keep it to myself. If I do all the negativity will discourage me like it did in the past and I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

I want things to come quickly but I know they don't. I have to wait. I know that all good things take time but I'm sick of waiting. All the things I want to accomplish will take a lot of time and a lot of planning. The good thing is that I found my passion and I'm going after it.

The careers I want out of my life are.....
1) Open a Business
2) Become an Author
3) Create a Product
4) Develop Show Ideas

I am already in my planning process of all of these. A lot of my focus is my business. I have my ideas in place and I'm working on them. I am also trying to create and make a prototype. Making a checklist of the process of creating my product.

When I'm successful I will be able to show all the people who haven't supported me that YES I can did it and I did it without you.

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

California or Bust!!!!

I've been reading many useful articles about making the move to California. My first idea was to get a job here in MI and save up for a couple years and start looking for a job in the meantime then still working at my current job.

Then today another idea sparked and I was thinking maybe I should just quit my job and move out there with minimum things and continue to look for a job since it's a lot easier to get a job in a state where you are currently live. I'm willing to do that in hopes of finding a job with in months of my move.

I hope I can save enough to live off of until I am able to get a job and also I hope the job market will be better by the time I want to move.

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Small Changes are happening

I actually wanted to go workout today. It felt good. I was reading something I had written down years ago on healthy tips. It said that exercise can help you clear your mind well that is a plus for me cause I am thinking clearer.

I got a lot of stuff done and organized that weren't really important it was just stuff that I have been putting off and wanted to do and that I still have a lot more to do. I feel accomplished the more I get done the better.

It feels good to start seeing changes even though their little it will bring big changes in the future.



~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Feelings are getting in the way

Deep down inside I want to do what want to do. I feel that my feelings for Tom are getting in the way of me changing my mind of moving to California.

When those feelings get in the way I remind myself about what he had said in the past.

I also keep reminding myself about all of the things that bother me about him. There are a lot but here a few.....
1. Selfish
2. Rude
3. Doesn't know what he wants

It pisses me off when he does the things he does. I'm not happy with our friendship.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Going after what I want

I just spent some time with Tom. I can't deny the fact that I still like him and have feelings for him. When I am with him he kinda flirts with me. I can't do this anymore. Every time I push back it seems that he is doing to opposite.

I just gotta keep my mind focused and go after what I really want.

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Feeling Positive!

I feel positive that this is the year that I will be getting a job and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am hopping and praying that I get a job soon so that I am able to start saving money for my move to California.

I am so freaking inpatient and I want to start to see my life turn out the way I want it. I know that things happen for a reason and good things take time but I am so sick and tired of waiting I just want to start seeing.

I need to move out of my parents house, out of Michigan to have my own life and to live a privet life.



~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

It's my life don't you forget

There is something that I'm afraid that will get in my way of moving out to California but I'm keeping in mind that it is my life and I make the decisions. No one is going to stop me from doing what I want to do.

The one thing that is getting in the way is Tom. I keep thinking that he will somehow he's going to change my mind. But I gotta remember those 3 things he had said to me in the past. The first thing was that straight out I wasn't his type. The next thing was when I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he said that going to the movies was like going on a date. The last thing was when I had my arm on the arm rest and he said why do you have your arm there it's not like were a couple.

I'm remembering that every time I have my doubts. I think that I still have feelings for him that its hard to let go and I'm still hoping that he'll tell me he likes me. So after I've given it a lot of thought and I said in my last few posts that I'm not waiting anymore for anyone. I'm making things happen in my life and not gonna wait anymore cause all that will lead to is me holding back on my dreams and being unhappy.

I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to start my new life. I can vision what my life will be living my life on my own. It's gonna be scary at first but I know that once I am used to my new lifestyle it won't be scary anymore.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Finally start to see the light.

By living by others will make your live miserable. I know this by experience. I have been waiting to see if Tom would really tell me he likes me. I know that isn't gonna happen cause it would of happened by now and all it was doing was making me miserable and setting my life back and it kept me from doing what I really wanted and that is moving to California. That is what I want out of my life. For once I'm happy and I have made up my mind and in the end it's what I want.

In the past I also was trying to make others happy and that was getting my life no where. So I found out it that in order to live my life the way I want it I have to stop pleasing others and start pleasing myself. I have to start being selfish for once really start making my own decisions.

I've been obsessed with anything California. I've been California Dreamin ever since I have made up my mind on what I want to do that will make me happy and that is living my life for me and not for anyone else. I have truly happiness deep inside me and I am loving it!

California Soul

There is a song that I love listening to that when I do it goes deep within my soul and it touches my heart and that song is called California Soul by Marlana Shaw. I love the remix that was played on the Lincoln Lawyer soundtrack.

There is also a song I just recently found that also takes me back to Cali. That song is called Los Angelus by Sugar Cult.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Off to a great start

Well today was weigh in day. I got on the scale and lost 4 lbs in less than a month. Wow! I hoe I keep it up.

As for this week I had a bad week. I hardly worked out but next week is a new week and I'll be back on track. When I
don't go to the gym I feel bad but I'm not gonna let that stop me. I'm still working on my excuses and my I don't feel like going to the gym mood. When I don't feel like going I make excuses and I don't go.

I am so obsessed with moving to California. I can't stop thinking about it. I research stuff on moving there and watch YouTube videos on anything I can find on California. California is my happy place. When I am down I think about living there and it always puts a smile on my face. I hope and pray that I will be able to move there.

I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait and see what things that will come to me. If I want things to happen I gotta make things happen. I gotta live my own life and in order to make me happy I gotta do what want and not make anyone else happy.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

Making things happen

Between last year & this year I have realized so much and things are getting a lot clearer. I know what I want and I'm going after it.

I'm not going to be making people happy anymore cause when I did I ended up not happy and miserable. I am focused on me and making me happy. In order for me to make me happy I need to start pleasing myself and doing what will make me happy. I'm not waiting for things to happen I'm making things happen.


~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~

A year of change

Since this the year of change I'm thinking about becoming either a vegetarian or a vegan to become healthier. I thought about this in the past. If I'm not thinking about finding a job I have to focus on my health. I haven't focused on my health in a long time and I gotta learn all I can about a new lifestyle and slowly start changing my life.

Every time I'm not focused I'm just pushing my dreams and goals aside. I'm one step further to seeing myself happy.

~Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone~